Ways To Dodge Your Family Over Christmas
Prepare for a less awkward holiday with our list of the best ways to dodge your family over Christmas.
To help you with this difficult dilemma, we've compiled a trusty list of the best ways to dodge your family over Christmas. Read on, fellow misanthropes!
Take a Vacation
Look, if you're over 18 years of age, by law you are legally a grown ass man/woman—act like it by putting your damn foot down! If you don't want to go home for Christmas, plan a vacation somewhere you actually do want to go. Sure, you'll have to deal with a solid year's worth of guilt from your mom in 2012, but try not to think about that while you're roasting on a beach somewhere working on your third frozen strawberry daiquiri.
Blame the Economy
Times are tough all over—even if you are gainfully employed and have more than enough in the bank to pay for overpriced airline tickets. But hey, no one really needs to know that! A few well-placed "Oh, we didn't get bonuses this year" or "they didn't give out raises" sob stories can hopefully put to bed any pressure from your folks to visit for the holidays.
Plan VERY Late
As everyone knows, the longer you wait to book plane tickets, the more expensive they get, so why not use this knowledge to your advantage? Put off booking tickets as long as possible—up until your parents start playing the role of bill collectors and calling you every hour on the hour if possible asking if you've made airline reservations—then when you're a week out from having to head home for Christmas and the only available tickets are for flight getting in at 3 am at an airport five hours from your parent's home with an asking price of $8,000 for coach seats, no one can blame you for not being able to afford the trip! Sure, your folks will think you're a total stoner, but hey, them's the breaks!
Visit Your Cooler Relatives
We all have that set of "cool" relatives who have long established that Christmas is nonsense and would rather spend the time getting blotto with their cool friends. Since the rest of your family probably looks at them like they're from different planets anyway, why not play the role of Goodwill Ambassador by visiting them for the holidays, saying you'll hype up Christmas with the rest of the family, but in actuality having a way more awesome Christmas going to concerts, art museums and partying.
'Lose' your Phone
No, we're not saying to go to the nearest bridge and chuck your phone in the river (unless you have a really crappy phone and want a new one for Christmas), instead, "lose" your cell phone for a few weeks leading up to your trip, keeping in touch with your parents only via email with updates about how "all the good phones are sold out because of holiday shopping" and "how you're doing your best to get a new phone, but in the meantime, you'll just have to deal with sporadic email updates." Sure, it may not totally get you out of the visit, but it's worth a shot to try and avoid the planning process altogether.
Ask for time off from work?! In this job market?! You must be crazy! Well, chances are your employers aren't total Ebeneezer Scrooges about working over the holidays, but your parents don't need to know that, right? There's very little your folks can say when you tell them your evil boss has threatened mass layoffs if anyone even thinks about going home for the holidays. Unless your parents are corporate lawyers, then you're pretty much screwed.
Get a Second Job
Hey, who couldn't use some extra income in these troubled economic times? As everyone knows, holiday jobs are normally plentiful, and nothing says "I'm industrious!" to your folks like getting a second job over the holidays—one where you actually have to work over Christmas at. Sure, that means you'll, ya know, have to actually work over Christmas, but would you rather be home having a heated argument with your crazy, drunk uncle about whether or not President Obama is a socialist lizard person who's slowly destroying the Constitution? Actually, that sounds kinda funny...
'Accidentally' Miss Your Flight
For weeks leading up to the holiday travel rush, news outlets will be telling you the same things—give yourself at least two hours extra time getting to the airport, an hour for security check-in, pack light, blah blah blah. Ignore all of that. Show up to the airport roughly 5 minutes before your flight leaves, pack almost everything you own into giant suitcases and attempt to bring them on as carry-ons, wear aluminum foil padded underwear—anything that'll make you completely miss your flight—and then just try and find another flight during the holidays. Again you're parents will think you're the world's biggest knucklehead for missing your flight, but it's a small price to pay in the long run of keeping your sanity this holiday season.
Repeat after us: "Aww mom, I really wanted to come home and watch Aunt Suzanne's Powerpoint presentation about her trip to the various cornfields of Iowa she took over the summer with her cats, but I didn't get my flu shot and am really, really sick now (add in some fake throwing-up sounds here)...I...I think I see grandma...is that you grandma?" and then hang up and proceed eating your take-out Chinese, drinking beer, and playing Assassin's Creed: Revelations in your underwear. Now THAT'S a Merry Christmas!
If you're not the type to lie through your teeth to get out of family obligations, take the noble route—Christmas is the time for giving after all! Go volunteer at a soup kitchen, help build houses for Habitat for Humanity, hell, fly to Africa and do some good there—who knows, maybe you'll realize that your family's not that bad after all?
And finally, if none of these options work and you do find yourself home for the miserable holidays, start drinking heavily. Try out a new eggnog recipe that three parts rum and none part eggnog for starters. And if you're not of drinking age, ask for the best noise-cancelling headphones available, buy some Sabbath, and escape that way (it's basically the same thing as drinking, really).